Us
by Crimson Sunflower
Summary: Suppose you find the person you love with someone else...what would you do? But what if he did it to be sure he loved you? What if he's killing himself to be with you again? (EirixShuichi)


Disclaimer:

As you must know, I do not own Gravitation or its characters. Nevertheless, I own Sidney and Doctor Evers, okay? Do NOT use them unless you ask me first. And please, review when you finish reading. I would really appreciate it. Well, enough of my babbling.

The middle aged man sat on his desk, taking off his glasses and rubbing his temples, combing his dark hair with his fingers as he waited without any rush for his next patient. A recorder and few tapes were placed beside his hands. Life for him was monotonous; he didn't exactly like to be seated in the chair, in front of a person that confesses their problems, and that will probably go insane within few months after the session. He was already in his thirty-fifth summer, and all he wanted was to get retired and live in his country house with his beloved. In other words, he wouldn't give a darn about the patient, because his shift was ending, and he just wanted a well deserved kiss from his lover, and a nap.

A blonde man entered the office after knocking three times and receiving a polite 'come in'. A calm air hit his senses, as his sight caught cream-colored walls and a nice atmosphere. There, seated behind a wide desk and on a comfortable looking leather chair was the psychologist that would attend him. He saw how the man motioned him to seat, he watched him intently through his sun-kissed locks.

The doctor cleared his throat before speaking in a soft, yet manly voice. "Are you Eiri Uesugi?"

He looked up suddenly at the sound of his name, and the doctor caught his breath at the sight of his eyes. They were a deep, golden color, partially dimmed by what seemed sadness and frustration, but that were nevertheless beautiful and intense. He held high cheekbones in his handsome and delicate features, his face thin, and golden hair that fell gently over his forehead. He parted his thin lips to speak, a deep voice emerging from his throat. "That would be me."

And awkward silence filled the room, their stable breathing the only thing that could be heard; the blonde lost in his thoughts, the doctor waiting for him to talk. He watched with curiosity the man in front of him, and a question rose in his mind: What was the cause of him being in a clinic? He was known internationally because of his novels, the doctor himself a fan of his writing. What was the reason? The mysterious air the novelist held intrigued him. Could he break through? Would the novelist let him?

"Well, aren't you going to ask me what or how I feel, doctor? Why am I so sick and miserable? What am I doing in this clinic? I'm sure you just want to get home and call it a day, don't you? You won't even listen to me, am I right, Doctor Evers?"- The blonde asked, his eyes fixed in the doctor's dark gaze, receiving a slight nod.

"As you wish…tell me, how are you feeling?"- The doctor said, starting the recorder. The novelist sighed at the question.

"Fine, under the circumstances. This place sickens me with boredom, but I'm getting better every day. I no longer crave so much for a shot of whiskey."

"I see…could you please tell me why did you start drinking so much? My lover and I are quite the fans of your books, and at that time, your novels were selling well. It couldn't possibly be that."

The novelist shook his head, his broad shoulders moving in a silent laughter. "No, it wasn't my economic status. And thank you for being a fan of my books. The reason why I started drinking so much is a personal matter. Many alcoholics start drinking because of this same reason…"

"Which is..?"

The blonde bit his lower lip slightly, looking down, his locks covering his eyes. He clutched the cloth of his sleeve, as if it was too painful to remember. He spoke in a quiet voice, barely a whisper. "I…I wanted to forget…"

The doctor frowned a little at this, yet he seemed interested in the case. "Forget what?"

The blonde looked up suddenly. "Tell me, doctor…have you ever felt desolation? A sadness and grief so intense, that you wish your heart is ripped out of your chest, just so you can't feel anything at all? That you crave for death so much that you just want to leave this world…only for one person?"-The psychologist shook his head softly.-"Then you can't possible understand what I felt, and still feel."

"Please…tell me about this."- The blonde stared, for a long time, until he finally drew a soft smile upon his lips. He nodded, receiving another smile from the doctor.

"As you must know, my novels were of angst, blood, death…but there was also deep romance. Those novels reflected my deepest feelings. The ways I was used by my beloved when I was sixteen hurt me so deeply that I suffered psychological and physical damage. I started smoking, because although I was so deeply injured by that man, that used to be so kind and gentle with me, I loved him still. The cigarettes reminded me of him: beautiful, but deadly. I wouldn't forget him, I was alone with his memory, his loving voice and nothing else mattered. I hung out there, pleasing my fans, which were women, into spending a night with me. A crazy night full of sweat and lust, a routine I grew used to. I didn't care about a thing, and years passed like that. But that was just the beginning, me turning cold and cruel.

Just as I lost that desire for living, someone, whom I can only describe as an angel that came to me, a ray of light that illuminated my dark soul, forced himself in my life. That someone was Shuichi Shindou. I'm sure you heard about our relationship everywhere. On the radios, the television, everywhere.

When we first met, I was drawn to him immediately. That pink hair that I used to call crazy, that childish face, those plump cheeks, that tanned and smooth skin, that lithe body that was a little too feminine for a young man his age, and most of all, those liquid and expressive violet eyes. His beauty was only comparable to that of a divine creature, if he wasn't one. Of course, I can only name those things now. At that time, I realized I was attracted to a male, after a long time. Nothing else. But I felt such a curiosity, like a scientific discovering a new specie. At first, I wanted to observe him, his reactions on different situations. The way he laughed, the way the got sad, when he was peeved, every emotion I could read within those eyes. But then, I wanted to feel what it was like to be close to him. To have him near me, to feel his lips pressed against mine, to have my hands touching his pure body. And I could make my ambitions come true when I saw something else in his violet orbs: love. I thought I could control him, that after one night stand I could just send him away, but I couldn't. And it scared me greatly. The adoration in his lovely voice when he spoke to me, the devotion he showed when he looked at me, the simple, yet meaningful answers to my questions. For example, I used to ask me what he saw in me, and he'd say: "I see everything." And when I asked him why he loved me and he would smile sweetly at me, and said: "I just do."

And he did. No matter how cold and cruel I was towards him, he always did something that made me regret what I did and pull him close to me once more. That was my relationship with Shuichi for a long time: me pushing me away, he always coming back to me, me holding his small body, he telling me he'd love me for the rest of our lives. He didn't care about my condition, what the world said about us being together, the looks some gave us…he loved me unconditionally…but sometimes I found him so _annoying._ Sometimes, the last person I would want to see was him. And I made him cry so much when I said that to him.

But then…I realized that, as much as I wanted to suppress the emotions that were flooding inside of me, I needed him. It took me a long time to see it, and when I did, I was terrified. I no longer found him irritating, the things that used to piss me off, like being too clingy, being atrocious in the kitchen, being maybe a little too loud for his own good, were the reasons that helped me comprehend the feeling that was within me was something else. I found myself desperate when he was apart from me, staring at his peaceful face when he was deeply asleep, entangled, pressed against my body. I felt the need to touch that strawberry scented hair of his, to put my arm around his small shoulders when his cheek was pressed against my chest, I found myself whispering his name in the silence of midnight 'Shuichi, Shuichi…' And our lovemaking used to be fast, even rough, but it soon became gentle, and slow, yet passionate at the same time. I wanted to memorize every gentle curve of his body, I wanted to feel that soft and heated skin against mine just for a little longer, I wanted to hear him moan my name and telling me that he loved me all night long, make him mine in every single way, I wanted to hold him tightly and see him smile contently, and even let him hold me while he murmured my name over and over. And I came to one conclusion: I was falling deeply in love with Shuichi. And I couldn't accept that. I just couldn't.

I realized this on a very dark night; it was so dark, that it seemed to predict the horrible mistake I would commit. It was raining, and Shuichi and I were in the afterglow of a prolonged, sensuous lovemaking. He was holding me, his thin arms around my neck, my face buried in his chest, his small hands entangled in my hair, playing with the locks. And I was thinking that I shouldn't come to any conclusion if I didn't make sure first. I just had to prove it.

'Yuki…'-He whispered. I looked up, and I found the most beautiful face I had ever seen, which was covered with sweat, like a sheet of frosting that glistened even without light. He massaged my scalp with his fingers; my eyes closing in bliss, hearing a giggle form him. -"Oh, Yuki…I love you.'

He said, his mouth close to my ear, whispering ever so softly. He placed feathery kissed all over my face, teasing me with his breath, finally pressing his pouty lips against mine in a searing kiss that left me breathless. It was that same kiss that made me get up from the bed, and get ready for a visit to a bar; I needed to clear my mind. I dressed under Shuichi's gaze, my skin tingling under his burning eyes. He asked me, in a quiet voice, as if trying not to disturb me, where I was going. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I cupped his heart-shaped face, feeling his cheek against my palm, he leaning to my touch.

'I'm going for a quick drink.'- I saw how his eyebrows formed a perfect frown when he heard my reply.

'Yuki, you know I don't like it when you drink like that! Come back to bed…let's cuddle a little longer.'- I raised my eyebrow at that; his shoulders slumped at my reaction. -'I'm just worried about you.'

And he had a good reason to be worried. I liked alcohol; there was no denying it. And the fact that I enjoyed having a cold drink peeved Shuichi. 'I won't get drunk, brat. I promise I'll come back early.'- He sat, kissing me on my lips, his nude body pressing against my chest. As he pulled away, he caressed my cheek softly.

'Be careful, Yuki.'-And with a chaste kiss on his forehead, I left for the bar. I just wanted to be alone for a moment, so I could figure out, so I could be sure that truly loved him.

As I finished my second shot of whiskey, I saw how the bartender served me another one. I glared at him as hard as I could. 'I don't remember asking for another one.'- He just told me that it was a gift from the young man sitting at the other side of the bar. I looked around, and there, watching me, was a young boy of no more than 22. He was slender, and had copper hair that framed his round face and fell in a long braid that reached the middle of his back. His eyes were enormous, and a deep green color that reminded me of pines, few freckles were scattered on his cheeks. He gave me a toast, and smiled at me, drinking along with me. We stared at each other, his lips curved in a smile that could have seduced anyone…"

The doctor sat in an uncomfortable silence, sweat trickling down his forehead. The blonde looked at him, worry in his eyes. "Are you alright?"

The psychologist smiled nervously. "Yes, I'm fine. Please continue."- The blonde nodded.

"As I was saying, all we did was stare at each other, but eventually he came close to me, and spoke to me in a soft, melodious voice, barely a whisper. 'Are you Eiri Yuki?'- I asked him what was he going to do with my name, and he just smiled sweetly. 'Nothing. I was just wondering if it was really you. My name is Sidney; I am a big fan of yours.'

He talked to me about himself, but eventually stopped and looked at me with an emotion I just couldn't quite read. He wrote in a napkin something, and passed it to me. And he left.

_Well…if you aren't the talking type, then at least think about this. Go to the walk-ups that are down the street. Apartment 3C. I'll wait for you there. Please consider it. _

That's what the note said. And I shouldn't have paid attention, I shouldn't have gotten up from the bar and walked down the street, I should have gone back to my home, to Shuichi…but I didn't. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to see if I was really in love. I didn't stop to think 'what if'' I was blinded by my insecurities, my doubts. And I didn't look back even once.

When I reached his apartment, he greeted me with a blush upon his cheeks, a charming smile that curled his lips. He offered me a cup of tea, talked about himself, what he did, and other things that revealed himself. He was like a little boy, trying to make me like him in all the ways possible. And when I least expected it, he threw his arms around my shoulders, his lips pressed against mine. He kissed me tenderly, his eyes closed, his cheeks flushed. He looked so innocent then. And he tasted sweet, almost intoxicating, when I tasted all the corners of his mouth. I didn't think of what I was doing, but right now, I see it so clearly that it hurts, and I wasn't the one who was betrayed. I committed the worst mistake a lover can: I looked for warmth and pleasure in the body of another boy. His touch when we were joining together in his bed was so tender and inexperienced that, if I weren't just clearing my mind, trying to forget that Shuichi was waiting for me, I would have easily fallen for Sidney.

He treated me like a prince, smiling softly at me and caressing my face with his fingertips, which were as soft as a newborn's. He treated me like if I would give him something that I wasn't capable of: he was treating me like if I was his lover. And seeing that I didn't respond to his attentions, he backed off from me, holding his small chest, his eyes becoming glassy with tears, his lower lip quivering. 'Do you regret it?' He asked me, his tears running down freely down his cheeks. 'I do not! In fact, I am so glad I gave in to you, that you marked my virginal body.'

He spoke in barely a whisper, his green eyes fixed on me, he coming closer to me and embracing me softly before telling me that I should be going already. And I dressed quietly, and before I left through the door of his place, he handed me a paper with his phone number, telling me that he would wait for my call, that he'll always wait.

And when I got home, I couldn't look at Shuichi in the eyes. And as much as I went to the shower, I felt dirty. And I got so distant from my boy…I could feel his hurt in his voice, his actions. He often asked me what was wrong, if he could help me. 'Talk to me, Yuki.' He would say. And every time he tried to seduce me, every time he tried to make love with me, to wake the hunger for his body, I saw my hands stained, so stained, that I couldn't bear to touch his immaculate skin. And weeks passed like that, I'd dare to say months. I still held the paper Sidney gave me, and for days I was deciding whether to call him or not. I was so confused, that I wouldn't talk to anybody, not even write what I felt.

And I did the most stupid thing I could have ever done. I called the red head boy, and told him to come to my place. It was all because Shuichi had a concert coming up, and he would stay all day long, even part of his night. I took this chance, and told Sidney that I wanted to see him. He said yes, of course. And he came swiftly, his cheeks slightly flushed from the running, his lips parted, pants coming from his mouth. I let him in; even making him something to drink and treating him like a guest. That was until he sat on my lap when we were at the table and kissed me. The monster within me awoke, and I took him to the bedroom and began undressing him. My hands were rough upon his skin, and he enjoyed every moment. He held me tightly, his hot breath against my ears as he whimpered my name in sultry moans, his body welcoming me with fervor, his nails digging deep into my flesh. My mind was somewhere between the act and my finding the light in the dark and deep tunnel of confusion, I didn't know, but somewhere, deep inside my head I heard a voice that told me, quietly, barely audible: 'I love no one but Shuichi.'

And as an answer, I could hear Sidney gasp, his body rigid, but not because of the climax he was longing for so much, but because of the presence of someone else. I looked beyond his shoulders, and there, staring at me with hurt filled eyes, was him…Shuichi. He stood there, his violet orbs staring at Sidney, then back again to my face. I could see his lips tremble, his body shake uncontrollably, and before the tears could spill from his eyes, he ran, slamming the door as he left.

I got up desperately, hearing Sidney whimper as I ran after him, not bothering about my nakedness. Before I could reach him, he was behind the door of the elevator, his face to the side, the crystal waters wetting his cheeks. As I went back to my apartment, I broke everything that was in my way. Sidney watched me silently, his face flushed from the shame. He went near me, trying to comfort me. But I screamed at him, told him to get out before I lost complete control of my actions. And he did, telling me he loved me, that it wasn't just sex for him, that he was sorry, that he didn't mean any harm. But I didn't listen to him. And I didn't listen to anyone in the world…for five days straight. For five days I tried to call Shuichi, but he just wouldn't answer the phone. I was so ashamed of myself…but I wanted Shuichi to forgive me, act like nothing happened, and love me like he did before, to have him near me again. And on the sixth day, indeed he was near me.

He came silently, trying not to make any sound, trying his best not to face me. But I did hear him, and when I came to encounter him, he had his suitcase already prepared and clutched in his hand. I stared at him. He stared at me, not with the cheerful eyes I adored, but with empty and without any emotion but pain in the light of his body. I asked him where he was going. No answer. I asked him if he was going to leave me. He was silent again. And I couldn't with his quietness anymore. I launched myself at him, pressing my lips against his, forming a kiss that was not returned, for he pushed me away with force. I whispered his name, and he hissed at me like a ferocious serpent. 'Your words are like poison! A poison that kills me slowly…' His voice was raspy and hoarse, showing that he had been crying for the days that passed. I tried to get close to him, but he just backed away. I pleaded for him to listen to me, that if he would just let me explain all would be clear. He laughed coldly. 'Explain what! Will your tongue speak more lies? Oh, please.' I stayed silent, no longer capable of looking at him. He was right. What could I explain? Even if I spoke the truth, what I did was too much. I could just whisper one thing:

'I love you…'- He snorted at me. I felt so small, so low and vile…so dirty. I bit my lip for long minutes, whispering his name over and over, begging for him to forgive me. And I saw him cry, his tears more abundant than before. He shook his head softly, before his lips parted and spoke softly. 'No…it's to late for that now. If you really loved me, you wouldn't have done what you did! Yeah, I was your little boy once, but it's over. You hear me? Over!' He screamed, his small hands clenching. 'What did I do? What! I just gave everything to you. And you know what you did with my dreams and heart? You crushed them like if they were paper! I'm leaving. It's over between us!' And he reached for the doorknob, his small body trembling with his sobs. I pleaded him to stay with me, but he just looked at me for a long time, before opening the door and running swiftly down the hall…leaving our home…leaving me.

And there I stood, alone in front of the door, silent. I was quiet for long days, still not believing. And when I did, the pain inside me was so strong, that tears weren't enough. I screamed, I destroyed everything around me, and when there was nothing else to break, I dedicated to destroy myself. Whenever there was something that cut, I opened my skin in slow, deep, long cuts, allowing the crimson blood to flow freely. The pain was so exquisite, that I even looked for other methods of bringing painful pleasure in harmful ways. I drank and drank until I couldn't retain anything in my stomach, and until I passed out for hours. I even tried taking ecstasy, but it brought a feeling of standing in a cloud of bliss that I didn't found addictive, for I liked to feel pain. I liked to feel miserable, believe that I was enclosed in my own emotions, my miserable status. I mostly wanted to erase Shuichi's face, his voice, his gentle touch. I was almost forgetting what color his eyes held, what was the feeling of his skin. But then, I began to see him. I longed to feel his supple skin against my fingertips, to kiss his pouty lips, to hear him say my name in the cold silence of my loneliness. But he kept quiet, and yet he had a smile upon his pink mouth. And I cried so much every time I saw him like that in front of me, I called his name over and over, telling him that I loved him, that I was sorry, that I wanted him by my side. And he would frown at me, and mouth the words: 'I hate you…I hate you.'

And I had enough of that. The taste of alcohol upon my mouth seemed so disgusting; I just wanted to taste the tangy and addictive mouth of my little boy. I no longer wanted the scars upon my body, the feel of the cold and sharp, I wanted to replace it with the warm, soft hands of my pink haired angel. I no longer wanted to see an illusion caused by me being drunk, for I wanted to smell the musky scent upon my bed, to tell him that I loved him and that he would kiss me passionately every time I'd say that. Oh, how I wanted to feel his soft skin, to make him mine as in the fantasies I had almost every night…my desire to see him again grew every day, and it was becoming unbearable. And I realized that to win Shuichi, I had to quit what I was doing.

And I called Sidney. The concern in his voice was genuine, and as he saw me, he gasped, but pulled me in a tight embrace. I cried in his shoulder, his hands moving upon my back, soothing me with his soft voice. He told me that he was sorry, and he brought me here. As he was leaving, he planted a soft kiss on my cheek, telling me that he loved me and that he hoped that I would get better. I really was in a bad shape: six months had passed with me killing myself slowly. Six months it would take for me to get better. I worked so hard, only concentrating in getting better, on regaining the strength I lost. But I wasn't happy. I'm not happy.

I looked for Shuichi everywhere, only to realize that he was currently in England. I always put the TV in music channels, with the hope that I would at least see him in the screen. And when I did, I didn't recognize him. The music he made was no longer cheerful, full with electronics. He was the singer of a heavy metal band; his lyrics were of betrayal, death, and unhappiness. The guitars were heavy, the bass prominent, and his voice was deeper, lower. He had changed too. His hair was dyed in black, and he had it so long, that it reached the middle of his back, and had it in a braid that was highlighted with silver. His clothes were all made of black leather, which covered his frame, but molded his body. He wore pale makeup all over his face, and his eyes were the same outstanding violet color, framed with dark eyeliner in an Egyptian style. He no longer had that cheerful and mischievous spark in his eyes, for they were empty and sad. But he was still beautiful. He was like a dark angel. A dark angel that ruled my heart. And I want to have him near me, his arms around me, holding me close and never letting me go.

But I know he is too far away, that he will never forgive me for my actions. My hopes were in vane, for I know the terrible mistake I made. And it frustrates me to know it, to accept it. Oh, how I want to see him!"- He looked away, smiling bitterly as he heard the birds chirp. –"Everything reminds me of him. The parks, the cheerful singing of the birds, the music in the radios, the lovers that hold and kiss each other, the color pink…everything. I'm miserable nowadays, doctor. I just don't have a reason to live anymore, if he's not here with me. I love him so much…if I could just tell him, hold him and kiss him just once, I…"- He bit his lip- "I just…want to die if I can't see him, if it's impossible. And believe me, when I get out of these doors, the next soul that will appear in front of the devil will be mine. Believe what you want. But I know one thing: I'm lovesick. And until today, I long for him to come to me and tell me 'I love you, Yuki.'"

The doctor was speechless for a moment, and he nodded. Eiri snickered at his reaction. "Well… suppose I took long enough. Maybe I should head to my room already."

"Yes, of course."- And the doctor got up, leading the blonde to the door, and as he walked, his dark colored wallet slipped from his pocket, landing open on the floor. The blonde bent down, and picked it up. His eyes widened as he saw what was inside, and as he gave it to the doctor, who was looking away, his eyes narrow, and his eyebrows knitted. Eiri bit his lip, opening the door and looking back to the dark haired doctor.

"I'm sorry."

There, in the wallet, was a picture of his lover and him. He was holding the boy tightly from behind, looking content and happy. Who was the boy? A certain red head with the deepest green eyes that reminded of pines, and a charming smile that could seduce anyone.

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